Thirty... I'm thirty. 30. 30 = 100/3. 30 = 60/2. Halfway between 20 and 40. Beyond halfway between 18 and 40. Worse for 16 instead of 18. Not to speak of 14. And if only it would be 40, but it's more like 35. I'm in such a deep shit. I'm so late for work, a work that should've been done earlier, and that is so necessary. Fuck!

I can't stop asking myself how we could possibly have gotten here. How. was. it. possible. to. get. here. Like this, no, it's incredible, yet true. Yet here. Yet real. Fuck.

And I look at others. I look at the others, all the others that have some normal life, beyond single, beyond dating, beyond 'it's complicated'. They're fine. They're happy. Some of them have kids that run around in their houses. But my house is so empty. Deserted and chaotic. Only with me, alone, inside it.

The fight is lost now. It's way too late. Soon I'll be crossing the edge. The border. The end. And at what price? How come it got to be like this? And I know, and I remember. They were there, but they weren't good enough. And I said no, waiting for somebody else, that either did not exist, or didn't even look at me, or didn't consider me worthy, leaving me crying and craving, but in vain.

Of course, I didn't have such a bad life. I had my life which was so sweet sometimes. So nice, so lovable. It was a good life. And I've studied, I've learned for so many years. Those who irresponsably enjoyed and therefore wasted their life... they don't know so much as I do, they can't live now such a light life like I can, with my free time, with my slight deconnection from the system.

And I forgot that it is being connected that leads to knowing the others. It is them that had fun that gained the experience needed to find and see the right one.

But I've failed to learn how I can find the solution. I once, or maybe more times, thought I've found it, and still I found I was wrong, I've found that the solution was such a failure, it was so faulty, so imperfect, so broken. There was no use for it, no hope for it.

But no there's no hope for me. I've reffused others and no I find myself alone. I regret all the past, I regret all the ones I've turned down... maybe they weren't so bad after all, maybe life was possible with them, but now they're gone.

Alone, I think of what the world is gonna say in a few years, I think of what they are thinking with now. My friends, all in sweet lovely couples, my parents and everybody else.

These thoughts, all these thoughts, they are the thoughts that have been haunting me for years now. Everytime waiting for the perfect one that just wasn't there, everytime turning them down for the slightliest of imperfections. And I've so much got used to turning them down, knowing that there is, or there might be someone perfect, that I've forgotten what I actually want. I stand here with my thoughts, assuming my failure before it happended. The thoughts kill me and I only think of the mistakes in the past, assuming unconsciously the failure in the future.

I know that nobody is good. I know how to see them. There is the standard, but still the standard is so heartless. The standard is a bunch of words. I forget more and more how complex people are and I forget that maybe it's the ones that I feel good next to, even if they greatly fail to comply with the standard parameters, maybe they're the ones to choose. I shouldn't reject them, I should explore them, seeing not the faults that make them bad, but searching and digging for the qualities that make them good.

But I have no time to do that, to search inside of them, it can't be them. They're not good. I don't feel the chemistry. But I forget that chemistry is built in time. That instant chemistry is a) very rare and b) most likely leads to bad matches, because the inside is still unknown and the outside does not always reflect it.

And still, there's nobody. So for years I go to my job and I spend the rest of the time with a closed group of friends, or alone in my house. This empty house. Forgetting how I've met all the others that were, before. Forgetting to go outside and walk, to go outside in the sun, to go out by myself, to explore, to search, to find, to pick. Cause they're there, outside.

To search for real. I have to search for real, not just find faults and reject, but find qualities, little things that might indicate a possible solution, a possible match, a possible attraction, adn attrace them. I have to try to see them inside. To explore them, to try them, and maybe this way I'll find, deep down inside of them, something that I would've never thought.

But no. There's no more time. I don't have the time to do all this. It's all lost.

But I still have a few days... a few weeks... why not try my luck now? Why not start searching and finding fun in attracting the looks and acting misterious and checking them, playing with them. For fun, everything may be lost anyway. We'll do it now. Not looking for the one, but for anyone.

Yes, there is time. Little time, but enough if I don't think of failure, but I think of the other. The things I like about them. Not forgetting standards, but being flexible and opened to interpretation, knowing that it's not the height or colour of the hair that counts, but the trust I can trust the other with, and what I feel when we're together. It's not parameters that I am looking for, but a state of mind, a feeling. A human.

I should look at the others with more trust. Knowing, and feeling, not what they're not, but what they could be. Their potential. Because I'm not looking for a heartless specification sheet, I'm looking for a feeling, I'm looking for a heart. And there are so many hearts out there, and they're inside, and they're worthy and waiting to be discovered. Anytime. Cause there is still time. And time is counted not in years, but in seconds, so we should start searching now!

[30's Time] [For MB, who still has so much more time]